It is my opinion that God has quite the sense of humor. The irony of our lives must keep Him in stitches. Why is it that we humans think we can tell him what it is we will or wont do for Him?In my experience, those kind of assertions are simply an invitation for God to stretch you. It is Gods desire to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask for or imagine (Eph. 3:20). We pine over the thimble full of blessings we ask from Him, and overlook the truck full of blessings He longs to shower on us. We rail against Him, disparaging our life circumstances, and in so doing miss out on the wonders He has sent to mold us into the true and best shape He intended us to be.
Many and hard have been the lessons and trials I have had to undergo; not because of my own righteousness, but because of my pride and deafness to His call. Isaiah 55:8-9 puts all my plans and schemes to shame, "For my (Gods) thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." He has a plan for each of us, and it is good.
I was born with a natural bent toward romantic ideals. This isn't to say I grew up boy crazy, but that I was drawn towards things and prone to ponder things my piers rarely thought of or cared for. I loved classic literature, romantic poetry, art, antiques, and all things old fashioned. And most of all, I was most comfortable at home with my family. My grandmother called me an "old soul" and my friends thought I was a genius when I took an interest in Shakespeare at 13 (mostly I just made my sister memorize speeches from A Midsummer Night's Dream since she said she wanted to be an actress; she was only 6 at the time).
My highest aspiration was to be a wife and a mother (and still is), and by 23 I was quite ready to retire. I liked settled things and consistency. Adventures were great now and then, but they needed to be part of my plan.
All my life I've made plans as to the courses I should take, and tried my very best to make sure those plans agreed with God's word. He has worked through me in countless ways, but for some reason I always ended up frustrated at the way my life way going. What I didn't realize, was how hard I was working at controlling my life. I had tricked myself into a false sense of security that I was surrendering to Him, while in reality I was the one trying to take control of the drivers seat.
I was sincere though in my desire to serve Him with all my life and soul. So when He decided to break me, I got the hint.
It was going into my final undergrad semester at Simpson University. At long last I was going to graduate with my BA in Liberal Studies. Then all my well laid plans began to crumble. That summer God asked me to "retire" from my work at Mountain Meadows Bible Camp. I had total peace with the decision, but that place had been a major part of my life since I was 15. I grew up there and with out it there was a void in my life that would take some time to fill.
Then a few months into the semester I was in a car accident on my way to class one evening. My car hydroplaned during a sudden down pour and I went spinning all the way across the highway and into the divider cables. Praise the Lord I was going very slow and by God's grace no one hit me while I was spinning. I was fine physically though my car wasn't, but the terror of what could have happened stuck with me for qite some time.
I was with out a car for over six months which made getting around very hard, especially since everyone in my family was already sharing too few cars. I squeaked by though, and finished school only to be told after I had begun the credentialing program, that I was one credit short of being able to graduate. I was then forced to drop out of credentialing until I completed the credit.
I was devastated. A similar situation had already occurred when I was ready to graduate from Jr. college; I felt like such a pathetic failure. However, there was nothing to be done but push on. I earned the credit, graduated in the Spring, and began the credentialing program again in the Summer.
Things seemed to be settling down again and it was that summer that Lloyd and Athena Peace visited our church while on furlough from ministry in Brazil. I had met them when I was younger and was even Athena's parent's house sitter for several years. I addmired them greatly and was excited to hear about what they did in Brazil.
At a special meeting our church missions board had for the Peaces (I was a board member), they shared there stories, needs, prayers and praises. At the time Athena was just on the recovery side of cancer treatment and was advised to take help with her when they returned to Brazil. Raising and home schooling 4 children, taking care of a home and working on the mission field were not exactly easy things that would offer her lots of restful recovery time. They shared the situation with us at the meeting and at that time did have someone going down with them. I believe someone suggested I should go (since I have been helping home schooling families since I was 18), which only made me laugh. However, the Peaces thought it was a great idea. My only response was, "Maybe some day," but really I thought no way. I was way to busy where I was and had no desire to go to Brazil of all places or to be an overseas missionary for that matter. Silly me, I was asking for trouble.
Life went on and I continued with school, visited classrooms, began setting up my over seas student teaching placement, and was so ready to be a "real" teacher. However, once again, it all fell apart. About three weeks into the semester I found myself in an impossible situation both financially and with my schedule. I was forced to drop out again. Every time I thought I was getting somewhere I would run smack into another wall; I really felt like a failure then.
Angry and depressed I moped around for quite some time letting my despair sink in till I knew I couldn't deal with it alone anymore. Writing and painting seemed to be the only things that could pull me out of myself and help me see past the gloom. It was during one of those low times that I wrote this:
I've sunk into the darkness
The endless despair pitted in my soul.
Where are you God as my thoughts consume me
Dragging me deeper still.
My own self pity swallows wisdom.
Reality, truth, blurs and becomes dim
Next to the ceaseless longings of my heart
Dragging me deeper still.
Joy has hidden it's face.
I wallow in my own disgrace.
Pull me Lord from this sea of pain that's
Dragging me deeper still.
And yet, a glimmer of hope remains
For the Author of my soul
Still whispers His gentle refrain
For me to surrender all.
Out of the darkness He created light,
And out of the mire He pulled me.
Dirty and broken He sang to me
And I must surrender all.
So cease your wailing and listen,
When we are weak, then He is strong.
His joy waits to greet us and does but long
For us to surrender all.
I had hit the bottom of my pit and I was done trying. And low and behold, that was right where He wanted me! It is in my weakness that I m made strong through Christ (2 Cor 12:7-10). Though all my earthly plans seemed to be failing and I felt as though I was worthless, it was hen that He was beating my clay and making me new (2 Cor. 4:16-18). I was like a Martha, all in a tizzy trying to obey and be busy for God, that I was missing out on the riches He had planned for me. So He forced me to be still and took away all my distractions and excuses for not listening; then presented me with something wonderful I never would have considered and filled me with His peace (Phil. 4:7).
So at long last He softened my hardened heart and brought me peace, and joy filled me with a new drive. I am His workmanship (Eph. 2:8-10) and I can rest in the truth that His plan is the best and will fulfill my true purpose. I am now on the threshold of a new adventure which will call for every bit of knowledge and wisdom I have gleaned through my short existence,
plus a lot I've yet to learn. Shortly after the Peace family visited they let us know that they were again in need of someone to help them in Brazil since their previous helper was unable to come. Athena extended the invitation again to me and after much prayer I accepted. This July I will be heading down to Brazil and for three months I get to be a part of Gods work there and share it with you. Please keep me in your prayers as I do you.
